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Episode #2 Adele/Divorce without Shame
Prepared by Regina Viscount-King
Welcome
Welcome to another episode of the FashionSHEsta Podcast! I know I said the next episode would be about Holiday Style but go âEasy On Meâ because I along with 10 million others watched Adeleâs interview with Oprah and I am blown away by her honesty, clarity about herself at 33, and transparency in sharing it with 10 million people!
Plus, this topic falls under HAPPINESS, the H in FashionSHEsta >Mindset, Relationships, Routines
Backstory
1. Evidently, Adele was briefly married for a little over a year to her beau and father of her son *I think they were a couple for 6 years or so
2. Adele is the one who âleftâ. *UGH horrible word to me
3. Adele went off the radar and did a deep dive into depression and personal growth all while writing music for her latest album, 30
Why this matters
1. I also âleftâ and related to her disappointment and shame of breaking up her family.
2. Hearing her share her experience and seeing her vibrant return to music with the clarity and confidence she has is empowering.
3. I did an informal poll on @fashionSHEsta on IG as well as my personal Facebook page out of curiosity to see if what she shared resonated with anyone else...
What I found was
1. I am not the only one who connected to what she was saying
2. I also learned that other women who âleftâ had similar feelings of guilt and shame for saving their souls as I had at the time.
3. Women are ready for conversations around the emotional turmoil of marriage and divorce to be ânormalized.â
If any of these things resonate with you then Iâm really happy youâre here
My intention is to get the conversation started and connect with others who are experiencing the same thing by taking a bold breath and sharing my experience with you without the anchor of shame.
Let me begin with
Itâs scary at any age
Adele went through it in her late 20s--I was in my late 40s -shame/embarrassment/heartbreak feels the same at any age
Itâs been 7 years since I realized my first marriage was over. There were a lot of things both good and bad swirling around our family at the time. My bonus son was getting married to his college sweetheart, a month after that my former husbandâs mother died suddenly from a heart attack, my mother and stepfather both lost their lives to cancer within weeks of each other, our teenage son had a health scare and needed surgery, my health was declining-I was 50 pounds overweight, anemic, burned out from my sales job and adjusting the smoke and mirrors I was apparently living in. I also needed surgery (hysto) and if that wasnât enough, my brother-in-law died in a bizarre accident where he literally choked to death! I mean, why not throw a divorce after being together for 20 years on the pile?
Deep breath...
Life comes at us FAST - without an instruction manual
Iâve since learned that life is also fluid, none of it lasts forever...the joy, the fear, the immense pain of grief of losing loved ones. It all eventually ebbs and flows. I imagine thatâs one of the reasons I love the beach so much, a glance at the ocean with quiet, calm waves rolling along the shoreline with happy children jumping with joy one day and mother nature having a full-on PMS attack the next, only to return to calm the following day or even later that same day. Ahh the beach! 500 years ago, Shakespear wrote a play about Nature being Lifeâs Greatest Teacher-Iâm not one to argue with Bill Shakespeare.
Yes, 2014-2015 was a lot for our family to adjust to.
Each of us was grieving something whether it was a grandparent, mother, or marriage.
Each of us dealt with it the best we knew how. My stepson was watching his father go through another divorce, I went from confidant to quitter in his eyes and heart in a millisecond (that lump is still in my throat), our youngest was a sophomore in high school and just held on hoping this horrible ride would be over and he could get back to life as he once knew it to be (no drama), my ex was dealing with the shock of the realization that I was serious and I was self-medicating and holding on to the feeling deep within me that somehow ALL of us will be ok. We had to trust ourselves before we could trust each other again. We held on to the love and respect for each other that was always there even though the romantic love had been extinguished.
On one hand, the easiest thing would have been to stay married. My marriage wasnât horrible. It wasnât abusive. From the outside looking in, it was âperfect.â At 53 Iâm well aware of what a farce perfection is. I remember feeling like a rose under a glass dome that was losing oxygen quickly.
I took myself to see the movie, Wild with Reese Witherspoon. Divine intervention? Maybe? When I left that theatre my life would drastically change. Something during that 90 minutes or so gave me the clarity and conviction that I was about to set out on my own path back to myself.
What it ultimately came down to was we didnât have the same emotional needs as the other and that is a lonely place to be forever. For years we both disengaged to avoid arguments and/or the frustration of not feeling understood. We went to therapy, did the second honeymoon thing, and on the way home from the airport knew it really was over.
You might be surprised to know that I havenât watched âWildâ again. I didnât need to because I know what dismantling your life and reassembling it looks like. And, because I knew that if I dug deep enough I would find the fortitude to make that sharp right turn in the middle of chaos my own heroâs journey.
If youâve been through it, you know that it SUCKED. ALL of it. Moving, negotiating, renegotiating a settlement, the awkwardness of referring to âhomeâ to your kids when it was actually just âmomâs new place.â Never âhome.â No more fatherâs Day barbeques together, even the emergency contact was surreal..did I really just make my dad my emergency contact at 46 years old? YEP.
Most days I felt like a piece of driftwood in a dark stormy sea not knowing where the hell I would end up. **I dont mean physically. The interesting part was I knew it wouldnât be that way forever...I trusted the sea, I trusted life and most importantly, for the first time ever, I trusted myself.
Itâs been 7 years almost to the day. Looking back at who I was then vs now is very different in every aspect other than my love for our son and bonus son who are both adults maneuvering their own paths like an advanced level of Frogger. Now thereâs an instant way to feel grateful, think about your kiddos.
Over the last 7 years, the proverbial ocean has had some big ass waves Iâve had to sail around. I recently lost the brother I grew up with to an overdose. Iâm sure you are well aware of the pain of grief as something that takes as long as it takes.
If youâve listened to Episode #1 you know I am now happily married to someone who âgets meâ and I am without a doubt in my mind fulfilled and grateful to have been blessed with my forever.
Thank you for giving me the space to share my experience of the shame and guilt of fracturing my family. While I wish there was a way to have avoided all of the heartaches to our kids, I feel that only by all of us going through it do they now know who I really am and have told me that they have a much better understanding of why I made the decision that I did.
Itâs all good in the hood-
My former husband and I are a willing part of each otherâs lives and truly want the best for each other.
He will be here with our 22 y/o son on Thanksgiving morning, we are all looking forward to celebrating the christening of my âbonusâ sonâs baby together this weekend. Above and beyond everything else, we are still âfamily.â
Adeleâs newest album, 30 drops this Friday, 11/19/21. Whether you are going through a divorce (Easy On Me), trying to work things out ( I Drink Wine) or moving forward (Hold On), I hope that you find the music in you and UNLEASH it.
Now that thatâs off my chest I can get working on FashionSHEsta Style for the Holidays!
In the meantime, stay happy, stay healthy and stay GRATEFUL.
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